Archive for the ‘ Funny Celeb ’ Category

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Holly MadisonAll over the internet, it’s all Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, and that’s cool if you’re into boring shit like sex with hookers, but what about the really juicy gossip? Like celebrities being seen walking into the same restaurant so OMG they’re totally doing it to each other in their naughty spots! AHHHHHH! That’s real gossip, people. Real, unsubstantiated gossip. Alleged 29-year-old Holly Madison is rumored to be dating ex-Paris Hilton humper Benji Madden. A source who saw the pair getting coffee told Life & Style:

It was obvious something was going on between them. Benji stood next to Holly with his arm around her. He was rubbing her lower back and the top of her butt, and she was hanging on his shoulder. They were laughing and flirting the entire time. They couldn’t take their hands off each other!

We were thinking this was a really odd couple until we came across some recent pictures of former Benji banger Sophie Monk. And she, ah, looks different.

So Benji probably favored the Madame Tussauds look all along, he just hadn’t realized it yet.

Become a fan of CNW on Facebook. We promise it won’t get weirdsies.

Apparently our goal today is to totally gross you out. Tiger Woods! Brangelina! Gary Busey putting his penis in someone! Kendra Wilkinson passing a baby out of her cooter! Yuck. And now we’ll show you some pics of Demi Moore using Twitter to tell Ashton Kutcher to fill her twatter. Enjoy!

If you follow CelebNewsWire on Twitter, we promise not to do this shit. We wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.

  • simpson_corganBehold! Jessica Simpson – Billy Corgan picture confirmation. The killer in me is the killer in you.
  • Nicolas Cage’s ex-wife is suing his broke ass. Good luck with that whole squeezing blood from a stone thing. (PopEater)
  • Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have a new baby boy. Finally, we can begin filming our proposed reality show The Brady Bundch. (The Blemish)
  • Alan Arkin was freaked the hell out by Blake Lively nude. (Nudography)
  • A couple was arrested for an extortion plot against John Stamos. What were they trying to get from him? The bongos he used in “Kokomo”? (Allie Is Wired)
  • Michael Bay makes a commercial for Victoria’s Secret and is physically unable to stop himself from sneaking in a large explosion. (Yeeeah!)
  • Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga met the Queen of England. Gaga dressed like the Red Queen. Miley dressed like a lady named “Misty” traveling on the back of her old man’s hog at Sturgis. (Pop on the Pop)
  • Tiger Woods: sex tapes! Bastard babies! Abortions! Hush Money! Gatorade! (Celebitchy)
  • Uma Thurman dumps fiancee Arpad Busson. He was previously dumped by Elle Macpherson and he’s a billionaire, so he must be a real butthole. (Daily Stab)

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

jessica_simpson_countryHer boots were made for walking. Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage. She has blonde ambition. His world is a vampire. They are Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan, and all our dreams have come true today, because the gossip gods have squatted and laid a golden egg in our outstretched paws! E! Online reports:

It seems Jessica Simpson, whose most recent relationship with quarterback Tony Romo experienced a bit of a fumble earlier this year, is now looking to make beautiful music with Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan.

What reportedly started off as a mere crush has turned into something a whole lot more.

“She has fallen hard and is smitten,” a source tells E! News of Jessica, adding that both she and 42-year-old Billy consider themselves “officially dating.”

Hopefully this will ignite a new trend of pop tarts dating ’90s craprockers, and we’ll see Shayne Lamas making out with Shifty Shellshock and Brooke Hogan hooking up with the bald guy from Live.

Tiger_Woods_cryTiger Woods’s mistresses are coming out of the woodwork and there are so many of them, he could stack them up and build things out of them. A veritable Stonehenge of hoes. The latest to come forward is softcore star Holly Sampson, but here’s a handy study guide featuring all of Tiger’s tails.

1. Rachel Uchitel – apparently the cause of The Accident.

2. Jaimee Grubbs – she was on Tool Academy. Looks like she found herself another tool.

3. Kalika Moquinmanages a nightclub in Las Vegas. Her name sounds like a specialty bean at Intelligentsia.

4. Jamie Jungers – a cocktail waitress. Ha ha, cock. Ha ha, tail. Ha ha ha.

5. Mindy Lawton – A Perkins waitress. Can you blame him? Their peach pies are g.d. good. Her sister says: “I saw the texts he sent her. One of them said he was dreaming of being inside of her. Another said, ‘Do you want to get laid?’ It was crude. There was no mention of love.”

6. Cori Rist – she is a “Manhattan clubgoer”. Is that a real job? Cool, then I’m a “Chicago Hoarders-watcher”.

7. Holly Sampson – softcore/porn star, nude model and, according to some sources, a high-priced call lady (Google her name + “escort”).

Tiger’s wife Elin Nordengren will also be pleased to hear that he didn’t use rubbers with Grubbs and Lawton. US Weekly reports:

“He didn’t use a condom,” says Grubbs, who adds that Woods also didn’t ask if she was on birth control, either. “It wasn’t even discussed. He just never used one.”

Apparently, he also didn’t use condoms while bedding 33-year-old restaurant manager Mindy Lawton, according to Lawton’s sister, Lynn. “She said he never wore condoms,” Lynn told British tabloid, News of the World. “I was so worried she might catch a disease, especially as we suspected he was promiscuous.”

Jesus, ladies! Don’t trust a guy to not get you pregnant. Especially when the guy’s job is to hit egg-sized spheres half a mile into a hole smaller than a baby’s mouth.

lindsay-lohan-blows-kissWe just told you about John Mayer helping to return Lindsay Lohan to Sam Ronson’s poon paradise, but not so long ago Lindsay may have been trolling for dick. Dick that regularly finds shelter in the womanly folds of Jessica Alba’s crotch, no less. Us Weekly reports that LiLo was seen getting a face suck from Jess’s husband, Cash Warren, back on November 19th:

Soon after discovering one another at Villa, Warren and Lohan “ignored friends and just chatted.” The real trouble began half an hour in. “Lindsay and Cash started making out,” an onlooker tells Us.

“Lip on tongue,” the eyewitness continues, “It was raw. They were not shy!”

Another Villa patron that night gasped, “It was a shock to see the two of them kiss, but it was real.”

For her part, Lohan tells Us that the account is “absurd. He is married. I wouldn’t dare kiss him.”

Lip on tongue? Why does that sound so incredibly disgusting? We’re imagining Lindsay sucking on Cash’s tongue like it’s one of mama’s lollipops. We don’t think we could be more grossed out right now, even if this eyewitness had described Lindsay giving Cash a sloppy, slobbering nob job. Mostly because that would be really, really sexy.

  • rachel_bilson_cabRachel Bilson sex scene! Oh, it’s from Funny or Die. We know where this is going (hint: not the first part of their name). (Allie Is Wired)
  • Rachel Uchitel is like, “Actually, I did screw Tiger Woods.” Bully for you and your elite club. (The Blemish)
  • A video of Marilyn Monroe smoking the joint appears. Millions of college students have paired her poster with Bob Marley smoking a doob for years, now it is reality. (Yeeeah!)
  • ABC cancels two more Adam Lambert appearances, because it hates fun. And crotch-sniffing. (Amy Grindhouse)
  • Rolling Stone Ron Wood arrested for assaulting his 20-year-old Russian mistress. Keep it classy, Gramps. (TMZ)
  • Lily Allen is taking a two-year break from music to concentrate on flashing her boobs more. (Celebitchy)
  • Megan Fox HD pictures! Yay! Let’s find minute flaws and make fun of them! (Nudography)

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

meredith_baxter_family_tiesAlex P. Keaton was all about Reagan and capitalism and hating liberals, so it will probably come as quite a blow to learn that his mom is a gay lady. If he wasn’t a fictional character, I mean. But it’s true, Meredith Baxter, who played free spirited TV mom Elyse Keaton on Family Ties, has come out as a lesbian. You go, girl. She appeared on the Today show this morning and announced (via PopEater):

“I want to say I’m a lesbian, and it was a later-in-life recognition . . . Some people would say, well, you’re living a lie and, you know, the truth is – not at all. This has only been for the past seven years.”

Mere and her dame been together for seven years

And I bet they’ll be together for seven more

Oh it’s like she stopped breeding on the night they kissed

And she can’t remember why she ever did men before

What would she do, baby? Without puss?

Sha la la lez.

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

emma_watson_bikini_1If writing this blog for five years has taught us anything, it’s that dudes go cuckoo nutso screwy for Emma Watson. We figure it’s the Alyssa Milano syndrome: child star grows up to be attractive adult, so creeps can indulge their barfy boyhood fantasies without feeling gross because the women are grown. Remember when guys marked their calenders for the Olsen twins’ 18th birthday, before they turned into bag lady gnomes? What we don’t get is why nobody’s popping woodies over Hallie Eisenberg or that little girl in Curly Sue. Harriet from Small Wonder is so pissed right now.

After the cut, more bikini pictures, featuring an Emma Watson nip slip in one. Photoshop it into her upskirt pics and you’ve got a half naked Hermione. And a sad and tiny life.

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

schiffer_herzigova_christensen_nude_1The high point of most people’s careers is a promotion with a corner office that overlooks the Au Bon Pain across the street. The high point of supermodel Helena Christensen’s career was rubbing her sand-speckled Danish yabbos on Chris Isaak. And although your Au Bon Pain is now a Panera, Helena is still doing what she does best, nude pics. Like this. Also this. And, if your tolerance for melanomas on men is high, this. However, Helena says that from now on, only classy nudity, lest the stress of spread beav gives her Nana a shingles flare-up. Helena says:

“I have no problem showing my body. But I want the nudity to be in a subtle way because my gran is still alive. I want to keep her alive for another 15 years, I don’t want her to get a shock.”

Meanwhile, Helena is posing nude in this month’s issue of i-D alongside Claudia Schiffer and Eva Herzigova. And Grandma can rest easy, because Hel’s wearing a bondage vest cobbled together with Timexes in one and totally topless, humping the air in another. Those are pics she can slip into a nice “World’s Greatest Gran” frame and sit next to the African violets and tins of Brach’s butterscotches.

NSFW fun after the cut.

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

shauna-sand-grossIf Zac Efron stand-in Chace Crawford really wants us to believe that he loves sticking his wiener in ladies’ whoo-hahs, he should stop Shauna Sand from blubbering on about how she stole his lady flower. Cause we’re pretty sure no straight man’s touching that. Star reports:

“He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!” Shauna tells Star exclusively about meeting Chase at a college party in Malibu. The couple began dating “and I even gave him a key to my apartment,” Shauna said.

They quickly wore out a path to the bedroom. And though Chace has said he dated a girl for three years while in high school, a friend tells Star: “Chace told me, ‘Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I’ll never forget it!’”

This is by far the smelliest story we’ve come across in a while. Just imagine what Chace Crawford/Shauna Sand sex must have been like. We’re imagining them both holding hand mirrors cooing to their respective reflections about how gorgeous their own mug is. Or maybe they had a set of Chace and Shauna masks made up and took turns having Chace/Chace sex and Shauna/Shauna sex. Then one of Shauna’s implants would leak and Chace would squeal and run to mousse his hair.

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

janet_jackson_feeds_jermaine_dupri_cakeWe’re still saddened over the break-up of Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri. They seemed so happy together. She didn’t mind that he could sleep inside one of her shoes and he didn’t mind that her DNA looks like a bowl of alphabet soup spelling out “batshit crazy”. But alas, it’s over. And apparently Janet’s moved on. To Colin Farrell. Entertainment Tonight reports (via Celebitchy):

An unlikely celebrity couple may be emerging! ET’s special source spotted Janet Jackson warming up to actor and ladies’ man Colin Farrell.

The two were seen last week sitting side by side in a booth at the renowned Polo Lounge located in the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Yes, we know that sharing a meal together does not mean that Colin is dipping his pickle into Janet’s clam chowder, but we’re rolling with it. Partly because today’s gossip is filled with people still talking about Adam Lambert’s faux nob gobbling and partly because we just like the idea of Colin Farrell porking Janet Jackson.

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

john-mayer-slack-mouthed-guitar-faceWhen you think of John Mayer, obviously you say, “That guy isn’t having enough sex. He should totally slut it up more.” Oh, that’s not what you think? You’re wondering about whether or not his wang is covered in sores and/or creepy little insects and then you’re imagining him sticking it in Jessica Simpson’s bunghole? Hmmm. Maybe it’s just John who thinks he’s not porking enough ladies. He said (via PopEater).

It’s crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble.

I can’t even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It’s a nightmare.

I should be having sex with more girls.

Now that John has realized that preying on the sad, sad brokenhearted celebrities who keep tabloids in business (Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston) isn’t all he is capable of, look for him anywhere a dumped lady is crying to her girlfriends over a glass of chardonnay. “Hello, I’m John Mayer, and I’d like to fuck you this evening. Do you mind if I tweet while I’m penetrating you?”

We like tweeting too. And we’re usually not screwing while we do it. Usually.

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

jennifer_lopez_ama_fallThe AMAs were last night. We watched Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew instead, because we would rather watch Kari Ann act like a real-life Regina George. We just assumed that the AMAs would include Taylor Swift winning a dumpster load of awards and Lady Gaga wearing some sort of nutty crap. We were right about that, but we missed two awesome things: Jennifer Lopez falling directly onto her colossal moneymaker, and Adam Lambert making everyone pretend to blow him. J. Lo’s butt is so big (how big is it?) that she just bounced as if she had drunk a pint of Gummiberry juice and went on with the show. And Lambert? Whenever any dancer came within arm’s reach, he’d grab they domes and guide ‘em towards his crotch. Then he made out with the sexually ambiguous keyboardist. It was no Satan’s Alley, but it was pretty gay.

  • hayden_panettiere_gunNaked Hayden Panettiere pretends to fellate a gun, then gets a face full of liquid. Just like your mom every Wednesday haaaaaay! (The Blemish)
  • Miley Cyrus’s tour bus entourage involved in crash. One person (not Miley) was killed. Hey that’s not funny. (PopEater)
  • But you know what IS funny? 16-year-old Miley dressing up like a hooker for funsies. (Celebitchy)
  • Oprah is quitting her show. Who cares. She’s probably also leaving Chicago. TRAITOR! (Litely Salted)
  • Kate Moss says that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. She’s obviously never had an authentic West Virginia pepperoni roll. (Celebrity Milkshake)
  • Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning share a girl-girl kiss in The Runaways. Hello, Daddy. Hello, Mom. (PopCrunch)
  • Dawson’s getting divorced! James Van Der Beek says to wife Heather McComb, “I don’t want . . . yer wife.” (BuzzHollywood)
  • More hilarity daily if you follow us on Twitter.