Archive for the ‘ Funny Celeb ’ Category

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Mel Gibson evil mustacheCelebrities like to put gross shit on themselves for weird reasons. Sometimes literally. Those thousand-dollar-a-half-ounce lotions and potions that are supposed to make Goldie Hawn look like Emma Watson? Full of rat urine and monkey feces. But Mel Gibson isn’t being guided by youth-seeking vanity when he smears himself with cow brains. He just wants to win at poker. IMDb reports:

Mel Gibson uses a smelly ointment made from cow’s brains to sharpen his mind for poker games with pals.

The actor told Kirn the substance, called Selegiline, helps to clean “the neurotransmitters,” but [publicist Alan] Nierob insists the ointment doesn’t help his client and friend win – Gibson’s a “loser” whose losses have helped put the publicist’s kids through college.

But does he rub the ointment into his sugar tits?

Friday, January 8th, 2010
  • tila-tequila-griefTila Tequila is so utterly bereft over Casey Johnson’s death that she strapped on her Sketchers, hiked up her blammos, jumped in a tree, and posed for cameramen. (The Blemish)
  • Natalie Portman swears off nude scenes. Again. How joyless. (PopEater)
  • Model Missy Rayder nude in the new issue of Elle. If they’re called “fashion” models, why are they always naked? It’s a mystery wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside a gordita. (Nudography)
  • Sylvester Stallone broke his neck. Pfft. Some Rocky he is. (Yeeeah!)
  • Lady Gaga will do a duet with Boy George, which actually makes a ton of sense. (Allie Is Wired)
  • Rihanna is dating Matt Kemp–canoodles on the beach to prove it. (Cityrag)
  • Gary Coleman had a seizure, then he had a snit over the “ugly” body double in his new movie. Butt you talkin’ ’bout, Willis? Oh, that was rich. (Celebitchy)
  • Christina Aguilera films Burlesque with unfrozen caveman Cher. (Amy Grindhouse)
  • Ashley Greene naked! With body paint. And covering up the good parts. Bronx cheer for you, lady. (Drunken Stepfather)
  • Artie Lange stabs himself nine times. That’s NINE. (The Hollywood Gossip)

jennifer lopez alienStreep! Winslet! Foster! These are names that just scream Oscar. But Lopez? As in Jennifer Lopez? Nah. She screams Teen Choice Award. Or Fatty B’s Favorite Fatty Booty award. But don’t tell that to J.Lo. She thinks she should be using her very own Academy Award to knock undead weasel husbo Marc Anthony upside the head every time he tells her she’s not as talented as that Beyonce. She told Latina magazine:

I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in El Cantante, but I don’t even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it’s their responsibility to do that, to see everything that’s out there, everything that could be great.

Well, it is a little bit frustrating. It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins—I couldn’t have been happier—but I was like, ‘How dope would it have been if I would’ve won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?’ ‘Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!’

“Yeah, totally, dawg. That would’ve been so straight dope,” we said as we brushed the Snackwells crumbs off of our Hypercolor shirt and turned up the Bell Biv Devoe on the tape deck.

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

58584438Love springs eternal! No, wait. We meant love springs a turd hole. Katy Perry and Russell Brand are engaged! To be married! US breaks the story, saying:

The wacky pair — who’ve been dating since September 2009 — became betrothed five days ago while on holiday in Jaipur, India. A pal says that Brand, 34, proposed with a ring, and that Perry, 25, happily accepted.

Of their romance, a friend tells Us that Perry has “never connected with anybody like this.” As for Brand, the Forgetting Sarah Marshall star “is super into her. She says he makes her laugh like nobody else in the world,” an insider says.

Mazel tov to the beautiful couple! After they exchange vows, he can look forward to spending a lifetime twiddling her outstanding breasts. And she can look forward to a lifetime of  . . . stroking his artfully sculpted little beard? I dunno.

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

lindsay-lohan-cries-on-phoneRemember waaaaaay back 24 whole hours ago to yesterday when we promised you positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!? Well, it didn’t take long for Lindsay Lohan to make good on that promise. As we were bringing you the Twitter gospel according to Lohan, she was punching a guy in the maw and then crying about it. Says Fame Pictures (via Celebitchy):

After Lindsay Lohan allegedly threw a punch at a guy who was getting too close to her younger sister Ali at a nightclub, the two exhibit some bizarre behavior on their yacht early this morning, the 4th of January. Sources say that Lindsay repeatedly warned the young man to leave her sister alone and viciously punched him when he did not stop.

Bodyguards arrived quickly to stop the fight and Ali returned to the boat, while Lindsay and a male friend stayed for another hour. On a yacht still riddled with vodka bottles from the long night of partying, the Lohan sisters laughed and cried as they made phone calls, trying to determine the severity of the fight and the consequences that may put a stop to their indulgent vacation.

Way to not court drama, Linds. You might also try walking to the nearest convenience store wearing only a bra and flip flops, announcing your engagement to a 90-year-old billionaire, or, an old classic, shaving your head in front of paparazzi. All drama-free, fun activities to fill your days.

Also, here are some pics of Lindsay in a bathing suit, cause her yabbos look juicy.

lil_bow_wow1This holiday weekend Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter to tell us about how srt8 hood bangin’ her NYE was, but what about other celebrities? How did they utilize this wonder of technology to enrich our lives as they rang in the new year? Lil Bow Wow, who’s not so Lil anymore, hopped on the twatters to tell us he’s a total jagbab dickweed super moron. While hanging out with Chris “Doo Doo” Brown (of course) and Akon, Mr. Wow tweeted:

Face numb im whippin the lambo. Tispy as fuck. Just left @livmiami

Im fucked up!!! Ohhhh damn. Y i drive the lambo. Chris might have to drive after next spot

Chris Brown has already filed this incident away in his “Notes for next time I’m a girlfriend-beating scrotum-munching asshole idiot.” So if you see Chris on the twits all like,

“This bitch betta stop trippin’

She bout ta get her ass beat if she don’t get the hell out my face

Yo Rihanna, girl, where you at? Love you, miss you, call me, kisses”

You know it’s time to call TMZ.

  • Lindsay_Lohan_grimaceLindsay Lohan will extend her fashion line beyond just leggings. Presumably, that means shirts meant to be worn sans pants, stupid freaky high heels, cigarette cases, flasks, and freckle juice. (Yeeeah!)
  • Robert Pattinson once flossed so brutally that he chipped a tooth. That’s commitment. Commitment to oral hygiene. (The Blemish)
  • Vintage Marisa Tomei boobs! (Nudography)
  • Celebrity cross-gender lookalikes. Whoa. The research here is commendable! (Cityrag)
  • Hot plus-size models topless and grabbing each other’s sitters. More, please. (Amy Grindhouse)
  • Whitney Houston might be smoking crack again. Out of a glass dootie bubble? (Anything Hollywood)
  • Brittany Murphy’s DVD cover gets a slightly less gruesome makeover. (Gone Hollywood)
  • Adrianne Curry bikini Photoshop: before and after. We prefer the before. (Jezebel)
  • Lady Gaga drowns in a downpour of flowers during a concert. And she wasn’t even wearing a goofy hat to protect her from the springlike onslaught. (Pop on the Pop)
  • Rosie O’Donnell has a new girlfriend. A girlfriend who has even more kids than she does! (PopEater)
  • Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke Mueller was once busted for cocaine. Awww, we didn’t know they had so much in common! (Fatback)
  • Celebrate 2010 by becoming our pal on Facebook. We don’t poke OR superpoke. (Facebook)

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

candice-swanepoel-bikini1We have a lot of those “if we ruled the world” proclamations. Like, if we ruled the world, Chris “Doo Doo” Brown and Charlie Sheen would have to marry each other. Or, if we ruled the world, “Bad Romance” would be our national anthem, and when it was played at baseball games, during the “Walk, walk, fashion baby” part, the opposing teams would have a pose off in center field. Also, if we ruled the world, no one would have to work during the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Especially people who write celebrity gossip for a living. You know why? Because NOTHING happens. Sure, once in while Charlie Sheen will wail on his wife or Kim Kardashian will get peed on, but other than that, it’s just boring, low-rung celebrities in bikinis. And that gets boring day after day. So we give up. We’re done for the day. As a parting gift, enjoy Victoria’s Secret models Miranda Kerr and Candice Swanepoel in bikinis.

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

taylor_swift_lautner-dateStore the children safely in a well and pull the orange tabs to inflate the life vest! Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have broken up! You’d think they were a match made in heaven, being the two biggest teen stars and everything, but even having the same first name couldn’t keep them together. US breaks this shocking story:

After three months of dating, country singer Taylor Swift and New Moon star Taylor Lautner have split, has learned.

“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry. . . He liked her more than she liked him. He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”

As is her wont, Swift will most likely turn this breakup into a hit song.

He has muscles, my hair’s curly
He turns into a CGI werewolf when he’s surly
Dreaming bout the day when he mauls a Cullen
Then Bella will bite her lip, roll her eyes and act sullen

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
We both get cash from teee-eee-eens
I’m prettier than he
Or is he prettier than me?

Xpimp n ho jude n siennaA few things have changed since the last time Jude Law and Sienna Miller were together. She got super famous via crappy movies and husband stealing and booby flashing. We saw his shrinky-dink wiener, then he got really bald, resulting in a roughly 97% drop in women who want to pork him. But some things never change. Like the fact that Jude’s still really good at insemination. In fact, after that kid he still hasn’t met, he’s even better at it than before. Star reports (via Celebitchy):

In mid-November, “Sienna realized she was late, and she freaked!” an insider reveals. “They’re still working things out, really, and she was afraid that getting pregnant would ruin everything.”

“Jude was really supportive. Sienna even took the home test at his place,” says the source. “It was a false alarm. She was likely just late from the stress of her Broadway show.”

Well that was a close one. A baby at this point in their relationship would be really hard. She’d be all like, “You’re only with me because of the baby!” And he’d shoot back with, “You’re only with me because it’s good for your career to date a real movie star. Alfie was the best job you ever had!” And she’d retort, “That’s not true! Take that back. I did . . . hmmmm, that one was no good. But! Nope, that one sucked too. And then I made . . . jeez, maybe you’re right. I’m so sorry I yelled at you, honey.”

old-man-blow-up-doll-christmasWe’ve got big plans this holiday season, and they include not hanging out here talking to you losers. Nah, JK. We love you guys. But seriously, we’ve got really big plans. Here’s a hint: Her name’s Bridget. But she’ll probably leave us after a week or so. They all do. So we’ll be back here slinging the Hollywood poop in your direction on Monday December 28th.

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

courtneytrashThree days ago, former genius of Tweets Frances Bean Cobain lifted her sails and set a course to normalcy when she pushed for her grandmother and aunt (Kurt Cobain’s mother and sister) to get custody of her. To drive the point home, she then got a restraining order taken out on her mother. In response, Courtney Love brushed her hair with a shoe, got on Facebook and began hitting the keyboard with her palms, ending up with this rant:

“theres not a whole lot i can do about it. this is like a hand grenade got thrown into our lives and its not Frances! i am angry at these people not Frances id just prefer she not become Jaimie L Spears, she should go be a writer or an a…rtist wich i support 100% but this is a circus and it pains me cos i know she hates it.”

“i very much miss my daighter, i know she knows how miserable i am im despairing and so sad, so so sad, but i just want to help her be happy, thats it, get her house and get her school and thats all ive ever wanted.”

Previously, she Facebooked:

“I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and even worse she’s lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest.”

Meanwhile, a representative for the Cobain family tells TMZ:

“Courtney is not fit to take care of Frances, she can barely take care of herself … Courtney wasn’t doing any parenting at all, she was hiring nannies to do all of the work. This is a wonderful thing for the family.”

Unfortunately, CLtranslated on Twitter is sitting this one out, so without our Holese master linguist, the translations above are rough at best, kind of like how Knocked Up was released as One Night, Big Belly in China.

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

angelina_creepyRemember the turkey in your freshman dorm who would go to parties only to sit in a corner sawing at their wrist with a plastic knife because their crush wouldn’t talk to them? That’s Angelina Jolie. We’ve always established that she’s a friendless weirdo with no sense of humor, and now she’s allegedly threatening suicide because Brad Pitt was working. Right now, Brad wondering where he went wrong. One minute, you’re pulling tubes with Jennifer Aniston in your billion dollar home, the next minute you’re up to your ears in Huggies and you’re heimliching Seconals out of your kids’ mom. The always-dubious National Enquirer reports:

“Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic,” a friend divulged. “She told him, ‘When you’re not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that’s when I tried to kill myself.’ “Angelina said, ‘I feel lost without you – like I’m being abandoned.’” But Brad, 46, immediately reassured the high-strung Angelina that he wasn’t leaving her for good, even though he’ll be living apart from her and their six children while they work on separate movie projects, the friend revealed. “Brad quickly calmed Angelina down: ‘I’ll always be there for you and the kids. I promise.’”

You know what’s really good for filling that void in your soul? More kids! Go! Go buy more! Fill up your house. Stash them in closets, in space bags under beds, inside the piano bench. Never enough! Must never be alone! Need more! Kids kids kids kids kids kids kids!!!!

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

060323_DVD_BrazilEXWe went to the dermatologist with a picture of Melanie Griffith and told the doc to make it happen. Botox, Restylane, and 47 collagen injections later and we can’t stop staring in the mirror. Jesus Christ! We are so fucking beautiful! What do you think of the redesign? Drop us a comment so we can totally ignore it take it under sincere consideration.

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

courtney_love_shopping_cartShe’s since deleted her account, but Twitter made us huge fans of Frances Bean Cobain. A child of celebrities who isn’t spoiled, selfish, stupid, or boring, one who is hilarious and adorable without a sense of entitlement? It’s like spotting a majestic whale in a sea filled with slutty plankton. We’ve seen neither hair nor hide of Frances since she fired herself from Twitter, but today she makes headlines because her mom, Courtney Love, has lost control of her. And we don’t mean that Frances has started smoking weed and doing donuts in an Iroq-Z, we’re talking legal control. TMZ reports:

Courtney Love no longer has legal control of her daughter. TMZ has learned a legal guardian has been appointed to care for 17-year-old Frances Bean Cobain. Guardianships of this nature are frequently established when the parent is not capable of taking care of their children.

The guardians appointed by the court are Wendy O’Connor, Kurt Cobain’s mom, and Kimberly Dawn Cobain, Kurt’s sister.

The guardianship was established on Friday. Courtney Love was not in court. [It] is for both Frances Bean personally and her financial well-being.

The guardians do not have power over the trust established after Kurt Cobain’s death.

The guardianship was established after a fairly long period of unstable conduct by Courtney Love. The court proceedings, however, are sealed.

“Long period of unstable conduct” is a nice way of saying “entire life”.