angelina_creepyRemember the turkey in your freshman dorm who would go to parties only to sit in a corner sawing at their wrist with a plastic knife because their crush wouldn’t talk to them? That’s Angelina Jolie. We’ve always established that she’s a friendless weirdo with no sense of humor, and now she’s allegedly threatening suicide because Brad Pitt was working. Right now, Brad wondering where he went wrong. One minute, you’re pulling tubes with Jennifer Aniston in your billion dollar home, the next minute you’re up to your ears in Huggies and you’re heimliching Seconals out of your kids’ mom. The always-dubious National Enquirer reports:

“Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic,” a friend divulged. “She told him, ‘When you’re not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that’s when I tried to kill myself.’ “Angelina said, ‘I feel lost without you – like I’m being abandoned.’” But Brad, 46, immediately reassured the high-strung Angelina that he wasn’t leaving her for good, even though he’ll be living apart from her and their six children while they work on separate movie projects, the friend revealed. “Brad quickly calmed Angelina down: ‘I’ll always be there for you and the kids. I promise.’”

You know what’s really good for filling that void in your soul? More kids! Go! Go buy more! Fill up your house. Stash them in closets, in space bags under beds, inside the piano bench. Never enough! Must never be alone! Need more! Kids kids kids kids kids kids kids!!!!

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